Apostate
by Swift-Star9
Summary: A series of ficlets about Yukio's involvement in the Illuminati. Update: A mission gone sour leaves Rin, Shiemi and Yukio trapped inside Mount Kailash.
1. Intercept

**A/N: These ficlets are character studies based on the premise that Yukio ultimately becomes an Illuminati groupi-er, officer. The series will be out of order (e.g. chapter 2 happens before chapter 1). While Yukio's Face Heel Turn is the main focus, POVs will rotate among many different characters, particularly Toudou.**

 **Disclaimer: Blue Exorcist is Kato Kazue's property. I just do unkind things to her characters, particularly Yukio.**

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"…. not tolerate any deceitful acts from the True Cross Order. Hand over Okumura Rin or else your son will die. You have six hours."

A click of a shutter and the phone recording was out. Yukio removed the pistol from his hostage's neck. Sei Godaiin's head plummeted as he tried to cover his face with his bound hands, crying.

"It'll take the Order at most a few hours to respond," Helen said. "I'll check in with you when we hear something. Let us know if you need help with that," she indicated to Godaiin.

"I'll be fine." The two Illuminati officers left, with the video that would bring Rin to this place. The video that would unveil his new face to the world. Yukio felt a strange serenity. Finally there was nothing to hide. The past was like a whiteboard that had been erased, leaving behind only his true self.

Godaiin was now hyperventilating and sobbing into his shoulder, wetting his shirt with snot and tears. "Someone… save me…"

Yukio kneeled in front of the hostage, taking Godaiin's hands in his. "Godaiin, I hope you understand that we never wanted to hurt you. This is a world that takes too much from people like you. We want to give you a world that the weak can be safe in. We want you to be saved."

"You're going to kill me…!" Godaiin swung his bound hands out of his grasp. Yukio shifted slightly out of the way, letting Godaiin fling himself and his chair against the ground. He landed with a dull thud.

The sobbing suddenly stopped as Sei found it hard to breathe, his head pounding in pain. "Be careful," Yukio cautioned, closely examining his forehead. "You have a bad scrape but it doesn't look like you will have any lasting damage."

He tried to speak, but he couldn't get enough air for the words. "What is it, Godaiin?"

"Why… why me?"

Yukio lifted the hostage chair gently from the ground. "Why you? There's a governor and son of Satan who want you to be safe."

"I don't wanna die-"

"Rin _will_ be here," Yukio retorted vehemently with his back to the chair. "And he won't let anyone die because of him. When he gets here, everything will be fine. You'll be okay."

This is Okumura's twin brother, Godaiin thought. He looked and sounded like Rin but everything about him felt wrong.

"How are you so different?" he said quietly. Yukio didn't flinch.

"Rin is strong." He spoke with reverence and anger, nothing like Rin's praise of his genius brother.

"But why are you doing this? You're his brother."

Yukio turned around to stare down at the human in the chair. "This is who I am," he said, eyes alight with blue fire. Godaiin shivered uncontrollably. "A truth that was hidden from me."

Yukio leaned back on the wall and averted his gaze. As soon as it was away, Godaiin felt the shivering stop.

"I started to manifest abilities like Rin. But I was not like Rin. I was… powerless. Lucifer came to me. He knew how to help me recognize myself. I came to an understanding that soon the world will know. That someday you will know. Peace, without fear and anger." Yukio's face was blank, his glassy blue eyes staring into space.

Glassy eyes. That was something Sei had seen right before a cultist slashed his uncle's neck on public TV.

"Peace?"

The ransom was ready and the kidnappers had agreed to release the hostages. But something wasn't right in the head with the one guarding his uncle. The camera was rolling, and…

"That the world will know?"

The man had howled and laughed after he did it, his eyes boring into the viewers as if to proclaim _"I did this"_.

"And you're gonna use Okumura to do it?"

"He'll come." Yukio smirked, hand sinking to his sidearm. "Because he'll have to save you, no matter the cost."

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 **A/N: Yukio, you little shit.**


	2. Drown

**Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from Blue Exorcist. I am but a squire.**

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 _"How did this even happen?! How did I... why..."_

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He always knew he was deficient. When he was five, he'd cry too easily. When he was eight, his hands would still shake. When he was eleven, he ran out of bullets and froze. He would have died if Shiro hadn't pulled him out of the way of a zombie.

He couldn't live like that, weak and pathetic. He knew how he was supposed to act, think and feel. Professional and reliable, knowledge in his mind like neatly sorted folders and keen muscle memory to do his job. He practiced the act, hoping that one day he'd become the facade.

He looked away, hated, and did all he could to not think about his actual nature.

Something had been crumbling inside him. A piece of himself was now missing. He didn't know what.

They say if you don't know what you lost, then it never mattered to you anyways.

* * *

 _"If the Order were to know about your eyes, they'd experiment on you, maybe even kill you."_

 _I can't run. I won't surrender. There is only one path forward._

You beg lightning to strike. You chase after something you don't understand. You're driven, powered by your refusal to be powerless. But what you are playing with is beyond control.

 _"You're weak."_

 _It doesn't matter. I don't need anyone. I'll become strong, strong enough to make the darkness go away. Stronger than Rin. And I'll do it on my own._

To become strong, you say? How much will you sacrifice? Blood pays for blood.

 _"Yukio… rather than living in fear of the darkness, become stronger, for other people including your brother."_

 _To live in fear is to be dead. As I am, I am dead more than I am alive._

Does nothing matter to you until it's gone?

* * *

Yukio stared at the ground, the seals glowing around him. His hand was clenched over the open summoning wound. He had twenty seconds.

If this didn't work… Would it much different than now?

Ten seconds.

No. No it wouldn't.

Five seconds.

"Shall we begin?"

Time's up.

* * *

Water thudded in his temples. The world was blurred. He couldn't breathe hecouldn'tbreathe HECOULDN'TBREATHE-

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 **A/N:** Why no, this chapter is certainly not me yelling at Yukio for his recent bad choices, why would you think that? /s


	3. We are the Same

**Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist. If I did, I wouldn't write these stories on 5-hour long flights.**

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"Sir, we can't even get near him!" a younger man - Allen was it? - said exasperatedly. "He attacks anyone who gets close. The Commander left strict orders that he not be moved against his will in any way, but he's going to bleed out on the floor if we don't help! Can't we wake the Commander?"

"Calm down, Allen," Saburota responded cheerfully. "Let the commander rest. He needs to recover from the strain of the day. Let me handle Okumura."

"O- okay sir. He's still on the evac helicopter, sitting in that same damn place when he boarded."

"It'll be alright. He's just a little roughed up." Saburota waved at him, strolling to the exit. "Take a break, get some coffee."

Off he was to talk with their newest orderly. He'd been looking forward to this meeting. He was gratified that the Commander had been able to bring him around. There was still work to do and barriers to break. But the biggest obstacle was overcome.

Saburota entered the helicopter, still on the emergency pad used for transporting the Commander. His charge was sitting on the bench seat collapsed on himself, shaking and sniffling. There was blood pooling at his feet and cuts all over his True Cross Order exorcist jacket.

"Well, Okumura. It's good to see you again."

"Fuck off," Yukio said.

"I've heard you've had a tough day," Toudou sat beside Yukio. He briefly assessed his associate: that arm was badly mangled and definitely needed treatment. "Looks like the Knights did a number on you."

Yukio coughed, a rather pitiful attempt to cover over his sobbing.

"How foolish they were to attack you. I heard you managed to fend off the high-class demon they sent. I have to express my admiration for your resourcefulness, using Satan's power in that unique way."

"…"

"I'm also glad you've joined up, and at such a timely point in your development. Your nature has certainly asserted itself-"

"To hell with you!" roared Yukio, wildly swinging his fist towards Saburota's face. Saburota caught it with his hand, strengthening his own bones with Karura's powers.

"Funny! Are we not both residents of hell here? Two demons, monsters who can never return to the Order." Saburota let Karura's attributes show. "But unlike you, I've learned my nature. You have yet to understand your own. And until then," he began to crush Yukio's fist. "You will be weak."

He released Yukio's fist and returned to his human appearance, letting Yukio pull away. Now that Yukio was standing, he could see all the injuries. The Order's demon had clearly attempted to disembowel him. His face was tear and snot-stained, glasses long lost. The professional façade that Saburota had fought was absent. He saw what he knew was there all along: an angry and confused kid.

"How did this even happen?! How did I… why… I thought…" Yukio closed his eyes. "I don't know!" he shouted

"Shh." Saburota placed his hands on his shoulders. Yukio flinched, averting his eyes. "You're free. You're safe. You're finally where you belong."

"Answers," dully muttered Yukio. "I need answers."

"All in due time. First those wounds need to get looked at."

Yukio stared at the wall, still not looking Saburota in the eye. Saburota let go and turned his back to Yukio, beginning to walk towards the infirmary. He could hear Yukio slowly following him. They arrived without Saburota ever turning to make sure Yukio was behind him.

The first-responders patched him up without so much as a complaint. He'd lost a lot of blood, had minor swelling from a concussion and a partially collapsed lung. It wasn't surprising when Yukio spontaneously dozed off on the infirmary bed.

The medical staff reported that the outlook was remarkably positive. His blood oxygen levels were rapidly returning to normal on their own. There wouldn't be any life-threatening consequences this time.

As the staff turned over for the shift change, Saburota pulled a chair by the bed. He looked over Yukio. The youth was sleeping on his side, drooling on the pillow.

How similar they were. He valued that. In this boy he could recognize and remember his own rage, denial and stubbornness. He was the closest he had to going back in time. By the time Saburota came around, he'd lost too much. But with Yukio he had an opportunity to help himself before he became a victim of this world.

Victim. What an amusing word choice. How long would this boy be a victim? Those eyes now held something more sinister than Satan's flame: betrayal. The Knights would regret casting him aside so violently.

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 **A/N:** Yeah. I wrote Toudou watching Yukio while he sleeps. I've written death and murder fics and this is the thing that made me feel disgusted with myself for five minutes. Now I'm hungry. Cookies, anyone?


	4. In the Hall of the Mountain God, Part 1

**A/N** : I'm not dead yet! Just got stuck on the intended fourth chapter and life things happened. I've actually been working on this (the fifth chapter) for a couple years, but I only really was able to tie it together after reading and freaking out over chapter 93. As a result, "In the Hall of the Mountain God" will be a three-parter. Here goes Part 1!

 **Disclaimer** : Does anybody still do these anymore? Well, whatever. All I own is over 50k words of Blue Exorcist fanfic, only 25% of which I've finished.

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Southern Cross Town's practice range was in desperate need of renovation. Stale air, cracked floors, a run down mess. Hundreds of exorcists used to train here, but no longer since it was too far from the Japan Branch of the True Cross Order. The vacancy made the facility ideal for his training. Even though it had fallen into disrepair, at least here there were no objections to teaching a nine-year-old how to shoot.

The batting machine quieted slowly, a loud whir of aging mechanisms and screeching belts. Yukio lowered his gun and started to wipe the sweat off his face.

"Watch your hand!" barked Shiro, watching from the shadows in the side of the training cage, face oddly obscured.

Yukio saw his error. He slid his index finger from the trigger to above the trigger guard. But his motion was slow and halting, like pushing through water.

So this is a dream, he realized.

"Always assume a gun is loaded. And watch where you're pointing," said Shiro. "I don't want you to accidentally shoot your foot off. I won't be around forever to watch you."

Yukio froze. There was a pool of blood forming where he stood. The red liquid lapped against his boots like water. He wanted to move but couldn't. Everything was hazy, and he couldn't help but think- _I won't be around forever…_

"I've told you everything I know," Shiro's voice echoed as it had in the past.

"But," said Yukio, pain knotting his voice. "You… didn't."

"You now know the truth about you and Rin."

"You lied," he said. The blood beneath his feet was rising.

"One day you will have to have to learn to live without me."

Yukio threw the pistol away to face the figure of Shiro in the shadows. Rage thundered through him with ugly intensity. "You knew about everything! You knew but rather than tell me, you died and took the truth with you! How could you do that? How could you leave me with nothing?!"

Blue fire erupted around Shiro, radiating outwards. The blast ripped through the room but passed through Yukio. Shiro's features warped. The words in the autopsy report came back to Yukio, details upon details of how twisted and wrong his foster father's body had become.

"Hahaha! You whiny weak piece of shit," said Satan. "Still bleating on and on about this shitty priest and the truth? The only truth you need to know is that you exist to bring me back to Assiah."

Yukio stepped back, his vision turning blue, the voice getting louder. Terror, rage, everything was at fever pitch and he just- just wanted to hide, to go back in time, for this nightmare, his life, everything to end.

"Hehe, you're so afraid. Little weakling likes to play at being strong, but wants to run the moment he can't. I'm not gonna let you kill yourself, but don't worry, hehe. You won't have to suffer for much longer. Once I am alive again in Assiah, I'll give you the death you want so badly!"

The distorted bleeding face of the demon possessing Shiro vanished under a curtain of blue and white, maniacal laughter reverberating and-

Yukio woke with a start, breathing hard. The laughter was in his head, but slowly dying away. The world seemed distant and his head throbbed. He slowly became aware of the cold rough rock he was lying on. He thought he heard the distant howl of winds and… a crackling fire?

He reached for his holster but the belt was gone. He fumbled for his glasses, registering a burning feeling in his head. The insane cackling remained in his mind like a far away presence. Even though he'd learned to push away Satan's voice while awake, dreams were different.

"Niichan, we'll need some more kindling."

What?

"Nii!"

That was…

"Thank you Niichan," said Shiemi, her tone quiet and almost somber, jarring compared to her cheerful familiar. "Let's start the tea. Yuki-chan is still running a fever, so let's go with sina-sina."

He had to get out of here. He couldn't let himself be around her. He heard the sound of a metal pot gently clacking against wood.

"Rin, Miwa, Kamiki, Suguro, Shima… I hope they're okay. When the ground shook and the rocks started falling, I thought we were done for. Rin really is incredible, isn't he?" The snarl came to him unbidden. She always came back to Rin, didn't she?

"We'll get Yuki-chan better and we'll go home together."

At once the very thought stirred the anger and mockery inside him. Better? Home? There was no way he could get better, with who he was. Home didn't exist for him anymore. The anger boiled inside at the reminder of all that he'd lost, and he just wanted to hit-

He had to get out. If he stayed, he'd only hurt her again. He forced himself to sit up, trying to push against the floor to stand. He suddenly felt lightheaded and fell back on his left elbow, sending a jab of pain through a broken bone that had never set right.

Shiemi turned towards him, alerted. "Yuki-chan? You're-"

"Stay away from me!" He threw his weight into backing up.

"Please stop, you're going to hurt yourself!"

As if on cue, the back of his head hit the wall. Pain from the now-discovered bruise radiated and he swore.

"Yuki-chan, calm down!"

Shiemi was getting closer and he couldn't move let alone run. He grit his teeth as he felt her gently close her hand around his arm. He could see gashes and bruises in her arm. Hatred towards himself consumed him.

"It's okay!"

No, nothing was 'okay'. Dammit, what was she even doing here? Why was she suddenly an exorcist? She was supposed to be in Japan taking classes and living like a regular high school student! Instead she was here, injured because of him. Injured because he'd been obsessed with fighting Rin and completing the mission. He'd broken the seal, but he didn't know where he was. The way back had been destroyed and they were trapped inside Mount Kailash.

 _Five hours earlier…_

Yukio was crouched behind a rock observing the horizon with binoculars. He'd felt Rin's approach, far faster than he expected or believed. It wasn't possible. Rin couldn't have figured out their location on his own. The Kailas gateway was near impossible to find. It had taken weeks for the Illuminati's reconnaissance team to inspect nearly every surface of Mount Kailash's fifty-two kilometer circumference for the nine indistinguishable stones that marked the entrance. He and Shima had been called in two days ago when it was opened. He had his orders, but…

"You wouldn't happen to be leaving a trail, Shima?"

Renzou was lounging on a barely sloped rock, with his K'rik in the crook of his arm.

"Naw, why would I do that teach?"

"Following Mephisto's orders? Helping your friends? Sheer incompetence?"

"C'mon, if I really was doing any of those things, wouldn't you have caught me already? 'sides, Boss would kill me if I even was thinkin' about it!" Renzou shivered.

"Tch…" He was certain that letting Renzou Shima on this mission was a mistake, but it wasn't his call.

He glanced towards the portal they guarded, a shimmering vertical dark-red pool hovering in front of the mountain's face. The recon team was in there now, carefully undoing the seal on the legendary abode of Shiva.

Mount Kailash. Gangs Rinpoche. Pilgrims came from across the Himalayas to circumambulate the mountain, an act thought to bring good fortune. They said if you set one foot on the mountain slope then you would be cursed, for only those "free of sin" could reach the summit.

He idly wondered what they would say about crossing the mountain like this. No curses or hexes had barred the recon team from entering. Indeed, the land was devoid of life, a cold barren wasteland. Not one of them was free of sin and yet they were unopposed.

The crunch of crushed snow echoing across the dry valley returned his focus to his binoculars. Rin, Suguro, Kamiki, Miwa, Takara… and Shiemi? What was she doing here? No, he couldn't afford to hesitate, not now or ever. He forced himself to look at the others. They had enough power to defeat the personnel who had crossed into the mountain.

"Can Yamantaka destroy these stones, Shima?" he asked, keeping his voice low as he could hear Rin and the others getting closer.

"Maybe, yeah, but you know how tiring that would be?" groaned Renzou, getting up from his makeshift chair.

"Yukio, I know you're there!" Rin's voice echoed across the icy plateau. "Get out here now!"

Yukio flashed Renzou an irritable look. Renzou sighed and started chanting, black flames beginning to flicker from the K'rik.

Clearly this was going to take time. He'd have to stall their adversaries. Yukio stood and walked in front of the portal to face the newly minted exorcists. Rin had his hand on Koumaken's hilt, but had not drawn the sword.

"You've come a long way for nothing, nii-san," Yukio said. "The ritual has already started. Leave now and you won't be harmed."

"Don't you realize what you're doing, Okumura-sensei?" Suguro said. "Durga is dangerous! She'll destroy everything!"

"So Light's told you. Like always, he only gave you half the story." Yukio said. "It's a shame. You may be a genius, Suguro, but your adoration of the man blinds you."

"I'm blind?!" Suguro retorted, hands balled into fists. "You're following, no, helping a mad man who's nearly destroyed the world twice!"

"I don't expect you to understand the Commander's plans." Yukio politely smiled. "Please leave. As your former teacher, I give you my word that you won't be harmed."

"We can't do that," Rin spoke up. "What you're doing, what the Illuminati wants to do, it's gonna hurt a lot of people! Why can't you see that?"

"Nii-san," Yukio shook his head, still smiling. "You're so noble, and foolish. You believe the Order is better. You think they exist to save humanity. It's funny. I wonder how you can profess to protect people while wearing the uniform of an organization that has butchered so many."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Rin's grip on the Koumaken loosened.

Yukio's polite smile twisted into a knowing smirk. "I suppose Suguro wouldn't have told you." Suguro shifted uncomfortably. "He should be commended for diligently keeping classified information confidential. Appears the Order even recognized him with a higher rank-"

"Stop!" Miwa shouted, hand on Suguro's back. "Don't listen, everyone. He's wasting our time. We have to fight!"

"Then again," Yukio continued as if he hadn't been interrupted, still fixated on Rin. "You once told me that no good could come from knowing the truth. Do you still believe that? If you do, then turn back now and never come after me again. If you keep this up, you'll be forced to learn everything: about Fujimoto Shiro, the Order, and our mother. This is your last warning."

"I don't care!" Rin yelled, drawing Koumaken. "I don't give a damn about knowing or not, I'm not gonna give up on you and I'm sure as hell not gonna let you-"

There was a yelp and Renzou flew out across the snow. "Ow, what the hell Yamantaka?" Renzou's khakkara was crackling like a fire pit, black flames angrily whipping out of it. The portal started to flicker and dance.

"The gateway is collapsing!" Miwa pointed at the portal. "We gotta make it through before it closes!"

The battlefield exploded into action, a fray of multicolored fire and motion. Yukio held position in front of the portal as Izumo summoned her fox spirits and Suguro and Miwa rushed forwards. A wave of black flames cut across the fray, blocking Suguro and Izumo from running forward. Renzou crawled up from the snow to intercept.

Rin rushed towards the portal, barreling forward in a straight line. Yukio rapidly drew his gun and fired. Both shots missed. Rin ran past him, lunging through the vortex.

"No, you don't," he said, pivoting on one foot to follow Rin. The portal crackled and his ears popped as he passed through. He was in an ice cave, crystalline reflections from the surface illuminating a heavily carved surface. Rin had already begun his attack, as he was mid-swing, blue fire pushing back the recon team.

Yukio steadied his aim and fired four shots. Rin yelled and dropped on a knee, bullets ripping through his leg and torso. The giant zombie roared, lumbering towards Rin.

"Return them to the Earth, Niichan!"

Yukio stopped mid-step, nearly slipping. That was… Shiemi? He turned to see her familiar grow gigantic, looming over the chimera. Huge ferns grew wildly all over the two inflation zombies, slowly breaking them down into dirt. He blinked dumbly. How was she doing that?

Out of the corner of his eye Yukio spotted Rin closing in on him and he barely had time to react. His eyes turned blue as he summoned a wave of force to knock back Rin. Immediately he heard dark laughter inside his head. Satan was entirely too pleased to see the brothers fighting.

The ground shuddered violently. A huge wave of blue fire was sweeping towards him. Before he could react he was thrown against the wall at the end of the cavern. Everything suddenly seemed quieter and far away, and he felt disassociated. Concussion, he thought distantly.

He assessed the area. The zombies were destroyed. The Illuminati personnel were cowering near the walls, ice rocks falling. Rin was marching towards him. The mission was about to fail.

He glanced at the ground, feeling it tremble with each step. The mountain was pulsing, as a forgotten power stirred awake inside it.

Rin's flames… they must have weakened the seal. Realization struck him. The ritual didn't have to be completed, the seal only had to be broken. He looked up to see Rin lower his guard. He didn't have much strength left, but he didn't need much if he timed it right. Just a few more steps and…

"We're gonna go home now," said Rin.

Yukio just smirked back at him. "I don't think so."

The whirlpool of blue flames cut through the ice beneath him, breaking the ground they both stood on. The mountain roared to life as ice and rock shattered around him. He plummeted into the darkness below. The last thing he saw was Rin reaching out his hand before he slipped into unconsciousness.

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 **A/N** : Stay tuned for Part 2!


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